hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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