Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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