took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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