Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
