Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
