i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
