She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
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