I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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