we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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