About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
