i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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