I looked at my own cervix.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
