Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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