Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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