so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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