Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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