I met the friendliest cop last night
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
