i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
