guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
