Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
