dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
