Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
