Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
After last night, I could never be a politician.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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