She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
