taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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