You don't have asthma, your pregnant
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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