i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
