Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
