arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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