You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize