I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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