God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Operation Purity has been aborted
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
