As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
