uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
