Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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