I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My vagina is officially offended.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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