Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
