also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
