So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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