my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
