I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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