Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Randomize
