The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
