Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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