Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
There's always time for handjobs
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
