I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hippo gnu deer
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
