You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
