he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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