I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
