i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
