You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
