we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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