I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
