So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize