Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
