I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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