I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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