My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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