he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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