I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I checked into jail on foursquare
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
