guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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